We caught up with 15 different Jesuses while they were over here on a press junket promoting the latest Christmas. The press sessions were held at different venues across Sheffield; the fierce rivalry between many of the Jesuses meaning that it was unsafe for them to be within one mile of one another at any one time. Obviously it was raining and there were trees being felled left right and centre so the whole thing was a rather unpleasant experience. On top of that the Jesuses were vexed that they'd recently lost out on a record equalling 1984th consecutive Comeback of the Year trophy when this year's award was given to Mr Konnundrum.
Despite the adversity we're very pleased with the end result so please do read on and find out what happened when we asked 15 Jesuses about their favourite music of 2017.
By the way the list is in order of Jesus not in order of album.
Jesus - Sausage Roll Jesus
Venue - Wilko's in town
Album - Brick Body Kids Still Daydream by Open Mike Eagle
Sausage Roll Jesus is the newest Jesus that we spoke to, having come to prominence late in 2017 with a well received appearance in a promotional image for a bakery.
Tha Knows: We thought that you'd want to meet us in Greggs. To be honest we're quite surprised that you went for Wilko's.
Sausage Roll Jesus: I don't want to be typecast. Look, I'm grateful to Greggs for giving me the break and I think what we've done together is great art but if I were to be seen in a Greggs now it would very likely impact on my chances of achieving my goals for 2018. I'd be the Greggs guy forever, you know. I'd be appearing at nightclubs in Freshers' Week, "Come and have your photo taken with Sausage Roll Jesus! 50p a shot! Free entry if you dress up as a Wise Man!" My vision is bigger than that.
TK: You know that this is the Wilko's where that guy cut off his own toe and ate it?
SRJ: *laughs uproariously* Yeah! That was actually White Jesus who did that. He did it for Legend Points in the Banter League. He's way ahead. I'm gunning for him at the top though so I chose this place to show him that I'm on his tail. I love banter, me. Especially when it's really great little bits of lovely banter.
TK: Shall we get onto the music then, cos I've got to get all over town today to talk to all the other Jesuses.
SRJ: OK. My favourite album was Brick Body Kids Still Daydream by Open Mike Eagle. It's probably the only album that's been on your stupid website that's appeared in Rolling Stone magazine's end of year list. They must have got some cooler people to do that this year I reckon. It's amazing to see talented, hard working artists get the credit they deserve. Mike's profile seems to bam up a notch with every release and this album has lifted him to the level of Underground Rapper Accused by DJ Booth of Not Being Underground so that's really great for him.
To coincide with the album's release and accompanying tour Mike gave us the best tour documentary since America or Busted with the hero that is Video Dave.
Enjoy the ride as Mike sells his kid's trophies on the merch stand, Video Dave has an accident with money and our heroes get lost in a haunted shopping mall.
TK: It's a concept album, right?
SRJ: Yeah, kind of. It's about a housing project in Chicago called the Robert Taylor Homes that was demolished 10 years ago.
SRJ: Anyway if people know one thing about me it's that I love Open Mike Eagle. It's kind of my thing. And the whole sausage roll thing. Go and buy this album!
TK: He's coming over here next year isn't he?
SRJ: Yeah and he's playing both Leeds AND Huddersfield!
SRJ: I know right?
TK: Lots of Greggs in Leeds and Huddersfield. You should take him to one.
SRJ: Oh piss off.
Jesus - White Jesus
Venue - The Woodseats Palace
Album - CONSTRUCT by Archivist
White Jesus: Welcome to my Palace!
TK: Erm, thanks. So we’ve just been talking to Sausage Roll Jesus.
WJ: Ah, him. Yes I don’t really mix with the Nouveau Christe. He’s been giving it all that, flapping his pastry since that advert. Come back to me when you’ve got a few hundred years under your belt, mate and I might have some time for you. Let’s see if he can add any diversity to his schtick cos there’s not much mileage in his current approach.
TK: It’s interesting to hear you talk about diversity, White Jesus…
TK: Nothing. Sausage Roll Jesus told us that it was you that cut off your toe and ate it in Wilko’s. He said you did it for Legend Points in the Banter League. He said he was looking to overtake you.
WJ: Well, you know, he can try but he won’t succeed. While he’s trotting around revisiting my former triumphs I’m here in The Woodseats Palace doing next level banter. I'm the Banter Baphomet, the Bantophet, the Baphto.. oh shit I fucked it…. Look, that guy’s about to glass that other guy. YES MATE! Lovely bit of banter. YOU CAN GET PINTS AT 7 AM HERE YOU KNOW!!
TK: Can you pick an album for us please so we can get out of this place? It’s very likely that we’ll see a bunch of people from school in here and it would be very nice to avoid that if you don’t mind.
WJ: Yeah alright, mate. Fucking hell. It’s that Archivist album isn’t it? You know that already cos it says it at the start of this section. It’s the second one. It’s like a story about space and stuff. In the first one everyone dies and the last human alive blasts herself into space and puts herself into suspended animation. In this second album she bonds mentally with some computer or something and then turns into a robot and does some stuff with Einstein Rosen Bridges and wormholes. There's a load of creation myth stuff in it too.
TK: This sounds like the sort of nonsense we enjoy.
WJ: Yeah you loved that clipping. album didn't you which is about similar stuff.
It’s got loads of fast screaming bits and loads of singing bits and loads of epic instrumental bits. We all liked Light Bearer didn’t we? Well Archivist have got some of the same people in and it's a bit like that but a bit more black metal. You should have heard Lucie when he heard those Light Bearer albums. “Oh look some punks are making a series of albums all about me and how awesome I am and how much of a dick Dad is and how I’m going to lead the humans into some sort of anarchist utopia.” Yeah alright mate, how many albums like that have been made about me? Fucking loads so shut up! Anyway it got so annoying that I pulled a few strings and got Light Bearer to split up before they could finish the series so that shut him up. Anyway this album is a bit like that. I might let them finish the story this time though.
SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the story she goes through the wormhole to find the answers to the questions of creation and human nature and it turns out that it was all a big setup by me, White Jesus, doing it all for Legend Points in the Banter League.
Jesus - Swole Jesus
Venue - Ponds Forge International Sports Centre
Album - MNFS.stnii [SHAMAN::;JOURNEY] by Signor Benedick the Moor
TK: This seems an appropriate place to meet.
Swole Jesus: Yeah it’s wild here! There’s this guy that dries his bollocks with a hair dryer. He stands there fully naked just wafting away. The other day he started grabbing his length and shifting it about so he could get full coverage. Just use a towel, mate!
Yesterday someone left their clothes out on the bench instead of using the locker. I looked a bit closer to see if there was anything worth nicking and I noticed that there was a half-eaten tin of sardines there with a fork sticking out of it. I went into the gym to do some enswolulation and when I came back it was still there. Just as I was about to take a photo of it for likes and retweets this guy saunters out of the shower, picks up the sardines and starts eating them with his nob out!
TK: Wow that sounds crazy. It would be awful if we actually experienced this ourselves in real life...
So how’s the enswolulation going? You’re looking pretty swole, mate.
SJ: Yeah I’ve taken things to the next level recently by consuming raw onions.
TK: What? Why?
SJ: Time and again, science has confirmed that onion and its juice boost testosterone levels—sometimes threefold. So, I started drinking cups of onion juice. Needless to say, consuming onion juice is a trying, though masculine experience. I can feel the onion juice flowing through my body, coming into contact with every organ, every cell, and every bodily fluid. My test levels are through the roof!
TK: Your what?
SJ: My test levels. Testosterone. You don't go on the fitness forums on 4chan much do you? Some of the best memes are on there as well as some of the best advice on how to be masculine. If you can't handle drinking the juice neat you could try putting chunks of raw onion into your cheesy mash but be aware that I will mock you for taking the less masculine option.
TK: I like my onions cooked actually.
SJ: That's cos you're a typical SJWcuckRemaintard. Your test levels are pathetic, I can tell just by looking at you.
TK: Can you choose an album please so we can get out of here before that bloke turns up with his sardines?
SJ: So this guy Signor Benedick the Moor has been going around saying that he's "The Great Sage Equal to Heaven". Let me tell you something, Signor Benedick the Moor, if that even is your real name, there is only one Sage equal to heaven and that is obviously me, Swole Jesus. I hereby challenge you to a fight outside Greggs in Huddersfield and we will see exactly how equal to heaven you are.
Yes you may have released three albums this year. Yes one of them (CYBR.pnk) was entirely freestyled and recorded on your phone. Yes another one of them (Toybox) was an uncategorisable exploration of new styles that sounds like a distorted message from the future trying to break through to our times to warn us about something bad, probably Brexit. And YES the third one (MNFS.stnii [SHAMAN::;JOURNEY]) is probably the best thing you've done yet with a fascinating mix of all the styles you've dabbled in so far in your career as well as a whole bollock-load of new ones. BUT! BUUUUUTTTT! You can not swan around disrespecting Swole Jesus like that and hope to get away with it. So if you will excuse me I am off to enswole myself even more to prepare for our meeting. Good day to you, sir!
Jesus - Baby Jesus That Looks Like a Grown Man Jesus
Venue - Owlerton Stadium
Album - Burst by Brutus
TK: Hello, Baby Jesus That Looks Like a Grown Man Jesus. How are you today?
BJTLLAGMJ: Yeah decent, cheers. Just having a bit of a go on the dogs. I bloody love the dogs, me. Gives me a bit of time away from 'er indoors, you know? Most of the time she's carrying me round everywhere looking sad and I have to look like a baby and a god at the same time. It's bloody difficult which is why I've ended up with basically a grown man's face but smaller.
TK: I think the receding hairline has quite a big effect. You didn't have to have old man hair. I reckon a man's face with a baby's hair might have looked better than a man's face also with an old man's hair. It's the combo that does it.
BJTLLAGMJ: Yeah maybe but it's too late now isn't it? You've got to admit that I look like a pretty wise and powerful baby.
TK: You don't look like a baby though. You just look like a small bloke. So if anything you look less wise, or maybe just a normal amount of wise for your age but you're still getting carried everywhere by your Mum even though you're clearly old enough to walk.
BJTLLAGMJ: Shall we do the album now?
BJTLLAGMJ: So I think this Brutus album technically came out in 2016 but they got signed to Sargent House and released it again or something. So it's actually older than it looks. A bit like me! Actually I'm younger than I look aren't I? I don't know! What even am I, for God's sake? This album is brilliant though. Fast hardcorey rock songs with insane drumming, massive vocals and some spacey, posty guitars. The drummer is the singer too!
I went to see them in Manchester this year. Mum had to take me cos it was in a tiny pub and they don't let babies in pubs on their own. Let me tell you, it was a lovely time. Burst actually gets better as it goes along so there are some real gems towards the end of the album. My personal favourite is the last track Child.
Expect big things from Brutus in 2018. I should know cos I can see into the future.
TK: Can you? Is that a thing?
BJTLLAGMJ: Yeah that's a thing that Jesus can see into the future isn't it? I think it is.
TK: I think you'd be doing better at the dogs if you could.
BJTLLAGMJ: You've done me there.
The day was getting pretty frenetic by this point and it became clear that we wouldn't be able to get to all the venues in time so a few of the Jesuses left their album picks via voicemail as we were travelling around. We've dropped them in at various points. A bit like on a rap mixtape.
Jesus - Accountant Jesus
Album - Reflections on a Floating World by Elder
Accountant Jesus Voicemail: Giant-riffed stoner prog. Sounds like ASG. If this were a book I'd pick it up because of the cover, read the back, put it back and then buy a book with basically the same plot but with a less nerdy cover.
Jesus - Trump Jesus
Venue - The Bear Pit
Album - Vol. III & IV: Cult of the Void by Seer
TK: OK first of all, dude WHAT are you doing?
Trump Jesus: Banter League. Legend Points.
TK: You mean this whole Trump thing is just because various Jesuses are competing to see who can be the biggest lad?
TJ: Of course! How else do you think we could have got to this point?
TK: Can you stop it please?
TJ: No. It's just banter, mate. Lighten up!
TK: You're a dick, you know. A massive, massive wanker. Can you tell us about your album and then go away please?
TJ: This Seer album has big doomy stoner riffs with vocals that sound like 80s Jaz Coleman snogging Danzig. Sometimes the singer does screechy monster vocals too and other times he tries to sound like a scary devil. I keep telling all these metal singers that that's not what it sounds like Down There. Everyone, literally EVERYONE talks in Professor Green's rap voice. It's horrendous.
This album is split into two as the title suggests. The second part, Vol. IV is all acoustic stuff. A lot of people are into sad metallers and their acoustic ballads. If you liked that Paul Hollywood album that came out a few years ago you'll probably like this.
TK: But actually, Trump Jesus the acoustic bits are really cool. It's not just sad strumming and crying. There's a bit that sounds like someone's having a bath and at the end a man goes on fire. I feel like you've just said all that stuff as an excuse to make that Paul Hollywood joke.
TJ: Fake news! Sad.
TK: Go away forever please.
Jesus - Skeletor Jesus
Venue - Don Valley Stadium
Album - The Boy Who Spoke to the Wind by Lando Chill
TK: Thanks for meeting us here at the the site of this demolished stadium.
Skeletor Jesus: Yes I'm very proud of my role in shaping the legacy of the London 2012 Olympics. One of the first things I did was to knock down the stadium where Jessica Ennis-Hill trained. Smashed it all the way down. Quality. Lovely little bits of legacy there.
TK: Quite. So if there's a Skeletor Jesus does that mean there's a He-Man Jesus?
SJ: Well if I'm the Jesus then he would be the Satan wouldn't he? That's how it works. Anyway I don't want to get into that. There's at least one guy who worships Ram Man though. Check out his collection of idols.
TK: Fair play to the lad. Is it Ram Men, Ram Mans or Rams Man?
SJ: It's definitely Ram Mans.
TK: Can we talk about music now?
SJ: Is it worth it? Do you think anyone's read this far down? Most people have probably quickly scrolled down to see which albums are featured, tutted cos their favourites aren't here and then clicked away. They're probably reading that Ram Man story now instead of this.
TK: I hope not cos it's taken ages to write.
SJ: That's your fault isn't it? You could have done something much less ridiculous than this then you could have spent the rest of your time catching up with all those trendy modern telly programmes that everyone watches. Instead you're still watching Angel for the first time and you're not even on the last series yet!
SJ: The Lando Chill album! It's magnificent!
It's influenced by the novel The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. The lyrics cover slavery, colonialism, empowerment and awakening. Musically it sounds like no other hip hop album this year. The press release says that it's "as reminiscent of James Blake and Bon Iver as it is of Frank Ocean or Kendrick Lamar." It's one of those albums that reveals more with every listen and should be getting way more attention than it has been.
TK: Thanks, Skeletor Jesus. We've been shouting about this album a lot too. Hopefully people will check it out. What's next for you?
SJ: Probably just re-posting stuff on my Soundcloud to be honest.
Jesus - Monkey Jesus
Album - Dangerous Jumps by SHREDDERS
Monkey Jesus Voicemail: P.O.S, Sims, Lazerbeak and Paper Tiger from Doomtree make an album that is *whispers* way more fun than the last Doomtree album. The best place to enjoy this is in Tesco where you can use the scan-as-you-shop handset as a pretend mic while you drop fennel into your trolley.
Jesus - Actual Jesus
Venue - The Church for People Who Don't go to Church
Album - Below the House by Planning for Burial
TK: Hi Actual Jesus. What are you doing in this church that's for people who don't go to church?
Actual Jesus: Bloody White Jesus has bagged all the proper churches, hasn't he? This is the only place left for me now. It's always the same. You start something good and then white people come along and steal it. It's almost worth it though to see the look on their faces when they die and see me just before I send them Down There. "But...but...but....." Down you go, Brad! Never gets old.
TK: So what sort of stuff goes on in this not-church then?
AJ: The usual stuff to be honest. They keep trying to have jumble sales but every time they put one on I bust in and flip all the tables over. It's hilarious.
TK: Have you been listening to much music this year?
AJ: Yeah I've been loving the Planning for Burial album. It's bleak as balls which suits me down to the ground. The best listening environment for this album is when you're on the 06:30 AM train to Newton-Le-Willows for work. The train's so early that when you get there it's still dark and the shops are still closed even though you've been travelling for hours. There's no taxi rank at the station but there's a piece of paper taped to the wall with some numbers on it and you have to ring one of those and hope that someone can come and get you. The place that you need to get to is in the middle of nowhere and they've advised you to bring your own food but there are no shops open so you have to walk in the rain to the petrol station and get something from there and then stand in the rain waiting for your taxi. That's what this album sounds like. It's majestic.
TK: How are people on Bandcamp describing it?
AJ: Slowgaze dream sludge.
TK: Of course they are.
Jesus - Machine Gun Jesus
Venue - Magna Science Adventure Centre
Album - Chill, dummy by P.O.S
TK: So, Machine Gun Jesus, you know that Magna is technically in Rotherham right? Although it's about 12cm into Rotherham, you've still made me come out to the shires for this.
Machine Gun Jesus: Are you having a moan that you've had to travel for 20 minutes? Do you know how far I've had to travel to get here? 2017 years, mate! You're like that guy on the P.O.S Facebook page.
TK: That's nonsense. Why doesn't that guy just go to the Manchester gig?
MGJ: WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME TO MAGNA?! It's not that far to travel to see Machine Gun Jesus is it?
TK: I suppose you're right. So what do you like so much about Magna?
MGJ: I like that most of the stuff is broken and I also like the fire tornado. That's pretty metal.
TK: So you liked that P.O.S album this year right?
MGJ: Yeah. How amazing is it to have a new P.O.S album? White Jesus tried to take him by destroying his kidney but P.O.S and his fans would not have it and now he's back firing on all cylinders. Like all his albums, Chill, dummy is different to what's come before. There are still heavy tracks such as Born a Snake and Lanes which will please fans of Audition and Wearing a Bear reminds me of some of the stuff from Never Better (Goodbye and Low Light Low Life in particular) but overall the sound is warmer with more melody with squelchy synths and massive bass.
P.O.S albums always have a really strong run of songs in them that make me fire my machine guns in the air with excitement; on Never Better it's the first four, on We Don't Even Live Here it's the last four and on Chill, dummy it's Thieves/Kings > Infinite Scroll > Lanes.
P.O.S never seems to feature on any of the trendy rap blogs and Chill, dummy probably won't appear in many hip hop EOY lists because people are idiots which is why I try to shoot lots of them with my machine guns.
Right, if you don't mind I'm going to head back inside the Science Adventure Centre and press that button that makes a woman shout "Happy Birthday to yoouuuuuuuu" over and over.
Jesus - Touchdown Jesus
Album - Known Unknowns by billy woods
Touchdown Jesus Voicemail: Probably rap's best lyricist returns with another album produced by Blockhead (with a couple of Aesop Rock beats on there too). This album has a song where billy woods, Aesop Rock and Homeboy Sandman rap over a Blockhead beat and really what else do you need in the world?
Jesus - Monster Truck Jesus
Venue - Graves Park
Album - Devil is Fine by Zeal and Ardor
TK: This is a nice tranquil place to meet, Monster Truck Jesus.
Monster Truck Jesus: USA! USA! USA!
TK: What's that, Monster Truck Jesus? You really enjoyed the Zeal and Ardor album with its combination of metal and spiritual slave songs? You know that there's only a handful of proper songs on it but you're saying that that's OK because it was just an experiment and nobody expected it to be this popular so quickly?
TK: And that although some will write this off as a gimmick or a novelty, the live show that you saw in London and the new songs you heard demonstrate that Z&A are the real deal and that people should definitely be excited for the follow up to Devil is Fine?
MTJ: JESUS SMAAAAAASSSSHHHH!
TK: Thank you, Monster Truck Jesus for being the least annoying Jesus we've met so far today.
Jesus - Woman Jesus
Venue - That park with The Great Devourer in it
Album - Tin Can Tomb (And Other Modern Interpretations of Hell) by Grypt
Woman Jesus: Mate, this list is a right sausage-fest, what the hell?
TK: I know, we're sorry. This is genuinely what we've been listening to this year though. There's a woman in Brutus...
WJ: Have you heard yourself? You sound exactly like that guy who said that there was no need for female Ghostbusters because Aliens exists.
TK: We've read quite a few books by female authors this year...
WJ: Well whoopie shit! Are you going to write about them on your stupid website?
TK: No because writing about books is hard and intimidating and we don't have enough confidence in our own writing to do it. That's basically why this EOY list is like this in case you hadn't noticed.
WJ: Do better next year.
TK: We will. So why don't you tell us about Tin Can Tomb (And Other Modern Interpretations of Hell) by Grypt?
WJ: Grypt are really cool and more people should listen to them. This isn't even an album, it's two original songs, a cover of System of a Down's Prison Song and three remixes but I've listened to it loads this year. The music is a mix of goth, hip hop and horror soundtracks and the band are made up of "horror queen and trans activist Romie Romak, sound designer Taylor Shechet and occult music luminary Myrrh Ka Ba."
Check out the title track for a lovely modern Splatter Platter.
They also do original horror stories too with narration, foley and music. You can get all this stuff from their Bandcamp. Go and buy their stuff so they can carry on and make more cool music and stories!
Jesus - Sweet Zombie Jesus
Album - ROME by Armand Hammer
Sweet Zombie Jesus Voicemail: billy woods again, this time with the other best lyricist in rap, Elucid. LOOK AT THAT ARTWORK!! The album sounds exactly like it looks. If you only listen to one hip hop album this year then this is not the one for you. If however you like to geek out over innovative production, spend months unpicking metaphors and references and are not bothered about choruses then this album has everything you need.
Jesus - Ninja Jesus
Venue - Tha Knows Towers
Album - No One Loves You by blis
We were getting a bit tired chasing all the Jesuses around Sheffield so we popped back home for a bit. Luckily Ninja Jesus was already here as he was competing in a tournament that we organise every year which pits the universe's greatest warriors against each other in mortal combat. He spoke to us after his battle with that robot tank dude out of Eliminators.
TK: So how was the fight with that robot tank dude out of Eliminators?
Ninja Jesus: Mate, it was really easy. He's on tracks so obviously he's really slow and cumbersome. Also I'm Jesus so I just magicked a load of fish in front of him and his tracks started sliding about and he tipped up.
TK: That's pretty handy that you can magic fish whenever you want.
NJ: Yeah some people take the piss that I can only magic fish but if you magic enough fish it'll get you out of any spot. My favourite time was when I magicked so many fish that it rained fish and it caused that plane crash.
TK: That's our favourite too. Nice work, Ninja Jesus, nice work. We can't help wishing that you'd magicked up a few more though.
TK: No, not ah! Things would be much better right now if you'd magicked the ground into a giant mouth made out of poison that was on fire. Just think for a second how much better things would really be if you, Ninja Jesus, had just tried that little bit harder.
NJ: Alright mate calm down. You're not the only person who gets annoyed at me because I basically do nothing nowadays. Can't you just let a man enjoy his retirement? All I want to do is compete in brutal tournaments and magic up a few fish now and then.
Let's talk about blis shall we? Another winner for the Sargent House label who are just unstoppable at the moment. This is well 90s. If you were around in the 90s and you used to enjoy wearing massive jeans and wearing your rucksack in rock clubs then this is for you. Grab your rucksack straps, look slightly upwards with your eyes closed and sway backwards and forwards to this album and you'll be having a lovely time. To be fair this is not a total nostalgia trip although it may seem so on first listen. There's actually loads going on here and you can really get lost in some of the songs. The bass is beautifully chunky and the guitars are doing all sorts of interesting stuff. The Brutus album is on Sargent House too and both band's guitarists have been nominated for Best New Guitarist by Musicradar. If you're looking for a couple of great guitar albums then these two should be top of your list.
TK: Cheers, Ninja Jesus. Just have a think about that poisonous fire mouth eh?
That's that for another year then. Here's a playlist with songs from all the albums featured apart from Archivist who aren't on Spotify.
If you liked this why not try these?
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