We've been away for a long time haven't we? Bet you're wondering what we've been up to.
Well, around Christmas time They approached us with an offer to run some of the internet's most influential online personas so we haven't had much time for Tha Knows Dot Net. It's a real shame that this site has been cruelly neglected for three months but we've been having the loveliest of times developing some fantastic characters. Although we had to sign all sorts of paperwork to make sure we didn't reveal what we've been up to, we figure that this site has such a small readership that we can get away with letting our readers in on the secret. You know those people on Twitter that are so ridiculous that you can't quite believe they're real? Well, that's because they're not. Most of them are us and we are getting paid an absolute fortune for it.
One of our favourite creations is that Prison Planet bloke. Remember this?
Twitter is a tiny echo chamber. I'm not sure the left understands the monumental ass-whupping being dished out to them on YouTube.— Paul Joseph Watson (@PrisonPlanet) 14 March 2017
That was us. We got paid loads for that one.
This was us too.
One of the ones we are most proud of however is:
Real fight starts now. Over next two years Labour will use every opportunity to ensure Brexit protects jobs, living standards & the economy.— Jeremy Corbyn MP (@jeremycorbyn) February 8, 2017
We still can't quite believe we got away with that one.
They didn't let us loose on the big characters straight away though. We had to work up to it by demonstrating our skills with some smaller scale stuff.
We used this one to demonstrate our creativity. It took a long time to set up but it helped to convince Them that we were fully committed to our characters. We had to take A LOT of photos. This was the one where "Liz" looked the happiest.
(ED: But the Corbyn one is dated before the Hannan one.) Yeah, They make you do stuff like that to make it more realistic and harder to trace. (ED: Erm...OK...)
As you can see we've been quite busy. We can really recommend staying tuned to The Internets for the next few months. We've got some great plot twists coming involving some of your favourite characters. You will not believe what Roger Helmer is going to tweet next week and at least one of our heroes will meet a grisly end before summer.
We've been spending all our money from this new job on music so to celebrate we're bringing back our monthly feature (this is the third one in 12 months) Songs Tha Needs to Know! Some of these songs are new and some of them came out in 2014 or something. At least it's clear now that we are putting the month in the feature title because that's when we post it, not because that's when all the songs came out.
Zeal & Ardor - Blood In The River
It turns out that you can make an album that combines satanic slave songs, blues, electronica and black metal without it being the worst thing in the world. In fact, if you are Swiss genius Manuel Gagneux you can do it all by yourself and make it sound utterly amazing.
We listened to this album eight times in one day on a journey from Sheffield to Bracknell. Yes it really does take that long. Who knew?
Birdmask - Penned
After enjoying Zeal & Ardor so much we had to do a bit of investigation into Manuel Gagneux's other guises. His main guise appears to be Birdmask and guess what, it turns out that it's also brilliant. Birdmask doesn't sound much like Zeal & Ardor at all on the surface but the mix of live instrumentation and beats together with the seemingly limitless meshing of genres make it easy to see how both can have been created by the same person. I'm Fine (and other lies) (best album title ever) is a joy from start to finish. Just when you think you've got a handle on what's going on Gagneux will chuck in some flamenco, fastrap a few verses over a bassline that will make an elephant shit or drop some squeaky synths over an acoustic guitar. After devouring the Zeal & Ardor album for an entire day, there was a point about half way through the first song on I'm Fine... where we thought to ourselves, "Oh right, he's one of those people," and hooray for those people! Not those people though. Those people are the worst. Don't get them mixed up, whatever you do!
Sixo with Open Mike Eagle - Numb
It wouldn't be a Songs Tha Needs to Know without something from Open Mike Eagle would it? This time he's lending his vocal talents to a beat from producer Sixo. Sixo is our favourite hip hop producer who used to be a professional motorcross racer and he conjures up a haunting blend of acoustic guitars and "oooh oohh ohhh aahhh" vocals here which Open Mike Eagle uses to paint vivid images of "not feeling so hot." Mike is packing in the cultural references as usual so watch out for nods to Sid Vicious, Billy Corgan, King Missile and So I Married an Axe Murderer.
The Sixo album The Odds of Free Will is out on April 21 and also features milo (not that one), Ceschi, Onry Ozzborn, Myka 9, Awol One, Gregory Pepper, Grace Park, Heir Max and Josh Martinez so you know you want that.
Onry Ozzborn - The Pits
We were in Huntingdon station the other day and saw this button on the wall.
So we pressed it, obviously, and this new Onry Ozzborn song started blasting out of the station PA and everyone stopped what they were doing and had a dance. It was marvellous.
Can you remember in the 90s when Max Cavalera had that shoe box with a stick in it and he would bash it with a golf club at the beginning of songs and it sounded a bit like a guitar that had been re-strung with rubber bands? Well this song starts off like that but instead of turning into an underwhelming nu-metal bloater it turns into an absolutely disgusting hip hop beat. You should have seen the scenes on platform 3 when this dropped.
We asked some of the other people on the platform about the Press Button For Heater button and they told us that the week before it was playing Born a Snake by P.O.S and between 17:00 and 17:30 on weekdays it plays a selection of classic heaters like Ante Up and T.R.O.Y. What a wonderful world we live in where these things can exist.
Terrible as the Dawn - Stains
We have to give full credit to @birdinternet_ for the heads up on Terrible as the Dawn. He was furiously browsing everyone's Bandcamp profiles and berating us all for not owning this EP. The anger was righteous as we discovered after only a few seconds when our head was blown clean off by these disgraceful riffs. WEAK crams in lots of different types of riffy shouting over its four tracks: punky riffy shouting, doomy riffing shouting, hardcorey riffy shouting, crusty riffy shouting and even emo riffy shouting. There's a riff near the end of the first song that makes you feel like you can crush the moon with your bare hands.
Planning for Burial - Whiskey and Wine
It's becoming clear that we enjoy music created in the bedrooms of sad men who own guitars and laptops. Here we have Thom Wasluck screaming his bum off over doomy guitars, dreamy synths and a tinkling glockenspiel. We have seen this described as "gloomgaze" on the internet. We are not sure yet if we are willing to accept this genre tag.
P.O.S - Thieves/Kings
New P.O.S album! NEW P.O.S ALBUM!!!
The Veldt - Sanctified
A hipster has written a superhero comic in which the characters represent pivotal moments in the author's "musical awakening." We flip the comic open at a random page and begin to read a scene involving The Massive Attacker and Soul II. These powerful superhumans are in heated battle with The Slow Diver who is attempting to take over the world using The Bloody Valentine Device. During the brutal combat, The Bloody Valentine Device activates itself unnoticed. The Massive Attacker, Soul II and The Slow Diver all fall into the Device and are consumed by its power. What eventually emerges from the Device is a superhuman more powerful than any that have gone before called The Veldt. The Veldt plans to take over the world by releasing glorious EPs on Bandcamp and hunting down and brutalising the person who described their music as "trapgaze" in the YouTube comments.
If you liked this, why not try these?
In what may become a regular feature we take three albums and mash them up to create a whole new one.
Animals bumming, lizard people marathons and raindrops dancing on the banister in the latest Songs Tha Needs To Know.
The new Signor Benedick the Moor album is really going to annoy sweaty freaks on the internet. We calculate exactly how much by using the Rage Gauge in our track-by-track breakdown.
We're BACK and we've been busy! Find out what we've been listening to while shaping the world's online narrative.
Tiernan Welch from the tremendous Her Name is Calla visited Tha Knows Casino to play Interview Roulette with us.
We found out what the original cast of Guess Who? have been up to and they picked their favourite albums of 2016 for us at the same time!
It's the final part of our ridiculous attempt to listen to 45 versions of Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil.
Versions 16 - 30 of Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil in which we remember MTV's Headbangers Ball and uncover Professor Green's tax avoidance schemes.
We listened to many many versions of Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil so you didn't have to.
We played Interview Roulette with the mighty B. Dolan.
Find out if we saw Bryan Adams once for free in Paris and hear some great new music while you're at it.
We played Interview Roulette with the amazing Signor Benedick the Moor.
Find out which songs are annoying our neighbours this month.
A guide to and interview with the hero behind Black Wing, HAVE A NICE LIFE, Giles Corey and more.
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