Tha Knows logo designer and general hero Dave Coyle (AKA Re-Coyle MC) is so cool that he lives in Japan.
Not this Dave Coyle though.
THIS Dave Coyle.
We sent Dave to have his tea in a prison hospital themed restaurant in Tokyo. He survived, just.
Here's 8 things tha needs to know about Alcatraz ER.
Alcatraz ER is hidden away down a backstreet on Love Hotel Hill.
You get your own cosy little booth
When you're out on the beers in Japan, having it large, getting battered, driving your banter bus, you usually do it in an izakaya. These are restaurants where you and your mates sit in a private room. A bit like in the White Lion down Heeley.
An izakaya often feels like a rabbit warren. The rabbit warren facilities of Alcatraz ER look like a Victorian prison hospital....all dirty tiles, red lights, rusty chains, and scratched steel work surfaces. Occasionally there were holes in the floor through which you could see dead bodies.
The waiter showed us to our table, which was inside a prison cell behind a sliding metal cage door.
Your regular izakaya often has a buzzer to get the attention of the waiters. At Alcatraz ER we had to hit the cage door with a metal bar. A bit like that bit in Oz where Schillinger and his mates are smashing their cups against the bars shouting "SET HIM FREE!" and Evan Seinfeld out of Biohazard and his mates are smashing their cups against the bars shouting "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
The waiters probably won't bring you another glass of Rioja if it's not served at 18C
The waiters were ‘crazy doctors’ and the waitresses were ‘sexy nurses’, and they were incredibly rude. Everything seemed to end in ‘ne’ which has the effect of sounding like a sarcastic British person going ‘yeah?’ at the end of each sentence. Some of the Japanese customers were appalled at this distinctly un-Japanese behaviour.
Actually it's pretty normal for red wine to be served chilled in an izakaya so don't send it back, you massive racist.
Your cocktail won't come with an umbrella
Here's how our cocktails were served:
- Forcibly squirted into our mouths via syringe
- Fed to us in a baby's bottle
- Stirred with a vibrator
Don't go to the toilet
It was difficult to tell if the toilets were heavily themed or just rank. One of the three urinals was blocked and filled with piss, while one was covered in tape and the taps were broken. A bit like Corporation or Casbah.
Those people who run that We Want Plates site will hate it here
All the food was served on stainless steel medical dishes. We had a meat dish which was made to resemble a human brain and a blue curry. The strawberry jelly we had for pudding resembled something you would find on the floor next to the hot tub in defunct York nightclub Toffs. (True story)
You'll probably want to get a wesh afterwards
We felt pretty dirty after visiting the place, but it was great fun and we'd definitely recommend going there if you love horror. Just eat somewhere else beforehand!
It's not as good as the Ninja restaurant
Wait, the WHAT!?!
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