Since we were last here we've been thinking a lot about the things we should be doing more of as a species and we came up with the following list of priorities:
- Vandalising advertising billboards. Seriously, we should be making it much harder for these wankers to pump their horrendous patter into our faces.
- Disrupting the distribution of the Pirates of the Caribbean films. At the time of writing it appears that some hackers are threatening to leak the new POTC film if Disney don't pay a ransom. We can get behind this behaviour but instead of leaking it, why not just delete it? Please.
- Annoying wankers
We'd like to focus on number 3 on the list for today's seminar. Wankers are all over the place nowadays; as right-minded humans it's our duty to do more to annoy these people and we're happy to suggest a few easy ways to do this.
You don't have to go out of your way to annoy wankers, in fact it's quite easy to incorporate it into your day-to-day activities. By being a bit savvy you can annoy a good number of wankers without making too many changes to your routine. Before you do anything, just take a few seconds to think "can I do this in a way that will annoy some wankers?"
For example, we all like clicking around on the internet. While you're clicking around on the internet today why not click here and buy this Allfather song? This is an excellent way to annoy wankers because all proceeds from the song are donated to Help Refugees. Imagine how annoyed some wankers will be when they find out that you've donated money to help vulnerable people!
Another way to annoy wankers is to tell racist wankers that they're racist. They HATE that.
If you're thinking of buying a house, don't, just eat a slice of avocado toast instead. Some wankers get really wound up when you do that.
Finally, if you happen to work in aviation you could annoy some wankers by tightening the screws on the intake manifold a bit less carefully than you normally would.
One person who is doing a sterling job of annoying wankers is Tha Knows favourite and Interview Roulette inaugurator Signor Benedick the Moor.
SBTM released the first single from his upcoming album early this week and it's come as a surprise to some. Check it out below.
It's certainly a big departure from his previous releases but if you've been paying close attention it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. SBTM is absolutely fed up of wankers. When we first heard Pillows we thought, "bet he's partly done this to annoy wankers," and we were right! Check out this beautiful exchange.
With this exchange SBTM has played himself into the top tier of wanker annoyers and we salute him. More musicians should do this. Also, THERE WILL BE GLITTER PLEASE STAY HOME is now the official battle cry for anyone who joins us in our quest to annoy wankers. We like to imagine that the hero who loosened the screws on Nigel Farage's Plane of Ultimate Lolz was shouting this very phrase as they wielded the wrench.
We love Pillows and if Zaph Mann had subscribed to the Signor Benedick Audio Zine he'd have heard it ages ago and it would have already infected his brain with its outrageous hooks. If DJ Khaled can get to number 1 in the charts with that Bieber song that has zero hooks then by rights Pillows should be the biggest song of the summer. You will be singing it for months we guarantee it. After it's held the number 1 spot worldwide for 6 straight weeks and SBTM is the new Bruno Mars it will be amusing to think about Zaph Mann raging in his bedroom.
Pillows is the lead single from the album Toybox which is released on June 16 via the lovely Deathbomb Arc. We've already heard Toybox because we're the best hipsters on the internet. We can tell you that Zaph Mann is going to be livid when he hears it. In fact, let's do a track-by-track breakdown of the album based on where each song charts on the Zaph Mann Rage Gauge.
Track 1 : Pillows
Rage Gauge Level: Shouting at musicians on the internet
Pillows has made Zaph Mann so cross that his brain has stopped working properly so he thinks it's OK to shout at musicians on the internet and tell them how to make music and then try to make out that he's offering constructive feedback as a fan. Poor chap.
Track 2: srsly
Rage Gauge Level: Scanners
Zaph Mann is already fuming after Pillows but this song is going to send him over the edge. It looks like we might have peaked on the Rage Gauge already and we're only on track 2. This wouldn't be the song that we'd choose as a second single to follow Pillows but it wouldn't surprise us if SBTM did it anyway just to annoy more wankers.
Track 3: finally found
Rage Gauge Level: Blue Balls
We reckon Zaph might quite like this one but it's only 48 seconds long. Gutted, mate.
Track 4: let them go
Rage Gauge Level: Guy shouting "Where's the death metal?" at that Opeth gig where they got the stools out and played an extended version of Throat of Winter
This is a lovely, dreamy ballad best enjoyed while lounging about in the sun sipping a vino de verano but Zaph is not going to like it.
Track 5: home @ nite
Rage Gauge Level: Keith Vaz
He likes this one but he doesn't understand why and he's carefully crafted a public persona as a person who stands against this sort of thing. He can't go back on his position as he will look like a hypocrite so instead he enjoys it covertly whilst secretly hoping he gets found out.
Track 6: scratchnsniff
Rage Gauge Level: Alex Ferguson and Simply Red watching Manchester United V Fulham
He's quite into this one until 55 seconds in and then something happens that really upsets him.
Track 7: w/ o u
Rage Gauge Level: Runny-bummed red pill idiot taking his diarrhea medicine
It turns out that to annoy huge wanker and absolute waste man Paul Elam all you have to do is try to stop him from shitting all over himself. This is one of our favourite tracks on Toybox. It's fun to listen to SBTM sing "I don't know how I'd survive without you" and imagine Paul Elam singing the same thing while gazing lovingly into his diarrhea-soaked pants.
Track 8: ICEE
Rage Gauge Level: Guy posting "this is real hip hop" under every single Jurassic 5 YouTube video
This one has got a harmonica in it and a harmonica is not one of the 4 elements so Zaph is unable to enjoy this song.
Toybox is released on June 16 and you can buy it here. In case you haven't twigged it's really different but it's still really good. Just give it a chance before you start shouting at people on the internet.
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