We covered the EU Referendum for a bit with that whole Deathmatch thing but Geoff couldn't handle it anymore and we had to take him off the case. He is now only able to communicate using gifs from 80s horror films and he needs a big rest. We needed to hire someone new to do opinions on politics. Thankfully Jo, who wrote our excellent piece on the workers' rights of The Avengers got in touch and told us about her mate Hazel Rendlescroft-Marvey.
"Hazel is the best at doing opinions. You should get her to do some opinions on your internet website," Jo said.
So we did.
On last Friday morning, I awoke beneath my handmade Tibetan throw and reached out for Oswald, my Irish Wolfhound, for a quick cuddle. After deciding between Swiss or Scotch muesli for breakfast after my run, I decided to check the news. Just in case. Just in case...I was needed.
Staring down at the referendum results, gloating back at me from my iPhone...I knew immediately what I had to do. I needed to comment.
The running shorts had to go back in the wardrobe.
Brexit is sort of like that film, The Inception, where they go into a dream to make things happen and when they come out of the dream there is another dream and when they come out of that dream the dream is real all along but it's also a dream. Brexit is like that. It might be hard for you to come to terms with what is happening in Britain today. But I'm one step ahead. I knew this was coming.
And yet again, I have something to say. It's important that we learn some things from this result, and it's equally important that we move on as quickly as possible, because soon there will be other things I will need to comment on and I shan't be dwelling on this. There's no point, in this rapidly-paced new future we find ourselves in, to idle on the happenings of just a few weeks. There are too many “shocking mornings” for you lot to cope with nowadays and I need to make these lessons short. Like, pomodoro method short. I use that in my entrepreneurial seminars.
If you Brexit, you bought it. I learned this the hard way at last year's Glasto, accidentally dropping our handmade Burano glass water bong mid rip. The splinters flew through the air, shredded through the walls of the tepee, leaving us hot-boxless and pensive. But I got through it – I learned my lesson, and I bought another water bong. And that's just what we can do too – we can just get another future, even if this one's smashed, and all the Gorilla Glue in the world wouldn't fix it.
It's easy to be speechless. I understand. Some of you have to do jobs cleaning toilets and stuff, and it smells in there. And now this. But there is, truly, no reason to panic. There's no need to be womanly about this! It's no time for tears and hysteria. This is a moment for us to put on our most empowering Hobbs powersuit, roll up our sleeves, and get stuck into analysing this result. And if I, Hazel Rendlescroft-Marvey, phobia sufferer and reclaimer of the double-barrelled surname, can deal with it, you can too. Here are some tidbits of #truth from myself. Blessed be.
POLITICS ISN'T PERSONAL – IT'S POLITICAL, DUMMY!
If you think politics is something you should care about – and I mean really care about, like you care about the football, or Game of Thrones – think again. It's not for you. Not only does choosing a side use up time thinking really hard, when you could spend it putting together an Autumn/Winter lookbook, it's also risky business. After all, what if you're wrong? There's never any way to know, after all, if you're wrong. No, not even if one side are pissing through your letterbox and setting your friends on fire. There is literally never any way to know if you are right, politically. And that can make you feel really insecure. Minging!
If you're one of these silly people who think that the referendum over whether the United Kingdom should leave the European Union, and the resultant aftermath, has been a difficult, tense, scary experience – I'm going to have to use stronger language. Stop taking things personally. Politics is a JOB, stup*d. That's why they all wear ties. That, and so you know which side they're on by the colour of the tie.
The next time a decision that will affect your economic status, your environment, your health, your quality of life, your rights, your freedom within this country and beyond, and all of your vulnerable and varied friends forever comes along, make sure you DON'T CARE. It's just politics - rise above it!
After all, you're one of an electorate of forty-four million people. That's loads of people. You think all of those people care what someone like you thinks?
Which brings me to my next point...
EMBRACE YOUR INSIGNIFICANCE. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN
Even IF you chose a side, formulated your opinion, and made your decision, tediously – it's all over now. The other people have spoken. Millions spoke, but some of the millions spoke against you. These millions are PEOPLE, and they're people like me – not you - transcendent, who have a galvanised spirit that only comes from either a diet of activated almonds and smart water, or TRUE BRIT GRIT. They don't just whinge like sore losers – they unify for a common cause. A moment of silence, while we respect the winning speaking people who spoke more than the other people who spoke.
While some of us might have differences, we come together on common ground to try and change things, sharing our vital knowledge from our decades of experience across different and similar cultures and histories. Even though we use a flawed system, we are able to do great things with the power of social media, as news pundits.
So listen: The People have said The Words, and now it is your job to stay quiet and polite and read these words, if you can understand them. STOP TALKING while the people just THINK about this, for a second. Okay? We're working on it. It'll be fine.
I've just had a look at my stocks.
BRACE FOR IMPACT: BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
It's fine, for the most part. Just crack open the bubbly and celebrate our sovereignty. Honestly, nothing has changed for the worst! And as we have established, nothing you do will change anything. But if you're really having trouble coping with a reality where you absolutely mustn't care and you mean absolutely nothing, I learned an amazing primitive technique on a fortnight-long educational programme in Khartoum beautifully called Alnnas Albid Sakhifa – which literally means '(to) bury your head (in the sands).' Just head to your nearest Primary School sand-pit and use the following guidelines.
→ Take small, plastic spade
→ Roughly, using dimensions of spade, measure out the number of lengths of spade required to fully account for the personal dimensions of your head and neck
→ Dig down to the required width and depth needed
→ The tricky bit: gently lower your head into the hole, while tipping sand back into the hole to fill the spaces your head does not occupy
→ Don't forget: bring snacks and entertainment, such as Spicy Nik-Naks, and a minidisk player
A highly effective technique, this position will help you to easily ignore sudden job instability, racist abuse, political meltdown, further austerity and a feeling of alienation. Bear in mind, you may need lumbar support long term.
Let's be honest – this is good for us. I'm not racist, but it'd be really nice to see Great British institutions make a proper return to our streets: cockney blokes threatening one another, sickly pensioners with year-round poppies on their raincoats, tiny boys in breeches rolling hoops across the pavement with a stick, 'ard blokes with swastika tattoos spray-painting the synagogues and mosques...
Really, I'm not racist. I've got loads of Polish friends, a troupe of them in fact. They did the loft in Bedfordshire. PLUS most of them spoke English and have lived here for several generations, so they're the good ones, the ones you can trust.
LOOK TO THE FREE MARKET FUTURE
Once father's holdings company stabilises from a £300m drop in value overnight, I look forward to learning many more charming spiritual experiences from my commonwealth friends, our friends in the commonwealth; Hong-Kong, Bombay, Ceylon, and many others, who we will now be able to forge fresh bonds with. I'm sure they will be very happy and excited to trade with us as we once traded th- traded WITH them!
From the system that brought you such great hits as: Foxconn suicide, proxy wars and the 2008 financial crisis; comes the free market. Now with ADDED freedom. A system where no matter how lousy your human rights record is you are free to sell and buy as many cheap plastic bits of flotsam with loose, easily-swallowed flammable parts and faulty wiring as you wish. A system where you don't have to deal with boring bits of red tape like 'paying people fairly' and 'making sure the machine doesn't rip off someone's arm.'
Hopefully we'll turn our seas into a plastic soup, and they will be all the colours of the crisp-packet rainbow. I'm salivating about the likes I'll get on Instagram with the view from my yacht!
Honestly, I don't know what you guys are worrying about. To be honest, I personally believe we should just devolve already, and let our cells decide for themselves just how cancerous they wish to be.
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We're not doing an AOY list this year. Instead we'll be reading all of yours and asking you why they have so many rapey racists in them.
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