First there was that summer where we watched all the commando films in the video shop.
Then there was that summer where we watched all the ninja films in the video shop.
Then there was that summer where we watched all the zombie films in the video shop.
We had no idea what absolute heroes we were until one day the girl behind the counter scanned our latest rental and exclaimed in front of the whole shop, "It says here that you're late bringing back Robowar and Robot Ninja!"
You can see how Commando Zombie Ninjas, the film we made in Jim's garden was so good.
Nowadays you don't have to use Jim's Dad's video camera to film Andy spitting Polos and Ribena out of his mouth and you certainly don't have to stand next to the camera hitting two spoons together to do the sound effects for shuriken being deflected by robotic wrists. No, in 2016 you can go to Huddersfield, get chased around by zombies and shoot them with air guns. If only they'd had this back when we were 28 years old in Jim's garden.
We went to "the most extreme zombie survival experience in the UK." Here's nine things tha needs to know about The Mill.
What actually is it?
It's a bit like Laser Quest but actually terrifying. You're taken into a dark, claustrophobic building which has been overrun by zombies and you have to find your way out.
What happened to that bloke's Mum who dropped him off in the car park?
It's funny you should ask that. Things get started at The Mill before you even get inside, with zombies roaming the car park. That bloke's Mum who dropped him and his mates off did indeed get chased back into her car by a zombie. It was very much like the scene in Commando Zombie Ninjas where the heroes are chased into Jim's Dad's Volvo and make their escape by driving a remote control car over some He-Man figures.
Do you get guns?
Yes indeed. You get Airsoft pump action shotguns which fire little pellets. You also get goggles and some pretty comprehensive weapons and tactics training so no chance of a PJ style mishap.
I'm looking for something where I can kick in a door and shoot a zombie in each corner of a room, run down a dark corridor while zombies try to grab me through windows, lose my gun and have to grapple zombies to the floor, sneak past a large group of zombies feasting on human flesh and turn round during a seemingly endless onslaught and see my mate get pulled backwards through a doorway, the door slamming behind him and him reemerging several minutes later brandishing a shotgun with five dead zombies at his feet. Can I do that at The Mill?
Sounds a bit like the type of thing that annoying dude-bros would go to and take really seriously.
To be honest we were a bit worried about that too. However, we've been to two of these things now and both times it was about a 50/50 split between men and women and it was mostly zombie nerds rather than gun freaks. People who go to these things are more likely to point out inconsistencies in zombie lore than yell at you for poor room clearance technique.
So it's basically the closest you can get to experiencing the zombie apocalypse without the actual risk of death.
Pretty much. Although we did go to a similar event run by another company where it later turned out that due to shoddy business practices the actual risk of death was very much present.
You mean that one in a disused factory where a pane of glass dropped inches away from that bloke's head and one of the zombies had to break character to stop you walking off the end of a broken staircase in total darkness?
Yeah, that one.
That's not The Mill though is it?
No, absolutely not. The Mill is run by End of Days Events who are a proper events company and know what they're doing. It's 100% safe. You might get a few bruises though.
How do I book onto this?
By going here.
Do you have a copy of Commando Zombie Ninjas
Can I see it?
Under no circumstances.
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